This question, and many others, have plagued me for quite some time. Yet, I cant help but think to myself maybe (just maybe) I'm not the only one?
While most of this happens in my own life. I can't even begin to put into words how terribly lonely it all can be. As I have spent an obscene amount of time isolated and alone.
When I was 6 years old, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. My elementary school and middle school years were all tourture for me (thats what my mom said I said it was like), but i can barely remember it.
I'm surrently a junior in high school, and although my depression is getting better (probably because I have genuine friends now), my anxiety is still horrible. I've been asking my mom to get me anxiety medication, but she keeps fighting me on it. She'll say "well you've been fine the last two years of high school" "I don't want you dopped up on pills all the time" "you don't want to gain weight from the side-effect, do you?" or other things. But I need the medication, I've always know that I do. I need it so I can raise my hand in class and say something. or to go up and give a presentation. I need it to talk to my teacher one on one. I need it to walk down the halls without a friend right next to me. I need it so I can be okay with someone brushing my back every once in a while in the halls. Or so that I can carry a purse instead of a backpack 24/7. I need it so I can ask for help. I need it for everything.
The only time she ever said I should go on medication was when it effected her life. I had an anxiety attack in the car and it was horrible but all she did was tell me I'm selfish and that I'm shitty person. The next day she said I should go on anxiety medication. Not because I need it to do simple tasks, but because she doesn't want me to "make a scene" again.
The only personin my family who seems to understand just little bit of what I go through is my dad. He's incredibly shy, unless he's around his sister (who's like his best friend), or unless he's one on one with me, or after he's had a beer or two. My mom is very uptight, conservative, and almost too assertive. My younger brother is loud and obnoxious to the point where he makes people look at him (which freaks me out because then I feel like everyone is staring at us). My Dad's side of the family is really relaxed and fun. We're loud, but mostly because we're laughing. I feel so comfortable around them that I actually talk and make jokes and smile. My mom's side of the family is extremely judgemental, crtical, old-fashioned, and nothing like me. (unfortunately) They all live in our area, and my mom is super close with all of them (my 2 aunts and my grandma), so we go out to dinner or things all the time. Since I was a kid, I've known that I can never truely be myself around them, and recently I realized it would just be better to become mute around them. I'd rather be judge for being mute and "anti-social" than for anything that I say.
My friends are very understanding. My friends are more on the quiet side, but when we're all together we're loud and laughing. My two best friends and I are so close that we share everything, and have "deep" conversations at 3 in the morning. My boyfriend is another one of my best friends. I've let all three of them tear down my walls, and they all have complete access to me. I'm not afraid of what they'll think, or of being judged around them. Which is a big deal because I always used to feel that way around people. And we're able to tell each other if something about them is bothering us. Which is huge for me, because in past friendships, I would keep quiet about anything that bothered me. I think I did it to avoid conflict, because I thought that conflict would mean that I would lose a friend.
I don't really know where I was going with this but I guess its a good first diary entry?
So this week my mother sends me a email saying my dads long time friend has passed away at the age of 87, I know my dad was very good friends with him and small group of friends who formed a group called the Harmony Lake Group, a bunch of artists who had been friends since art school, whos friendship has spaned 30+ years, painting togeter and enjoying eachothers company.
I know this will effect my dad, last time someone died near him he started saying things like "I won't be around long" and "if you want anything you better ask for it now" he was like that for weeks, His anxiaty is my anxiaty, I love my family a lot, they mean the world to me, I was lucky to have a great upbringing and a loving family, I am the youngest of three brothers, my two older brothers are marryed and have children, and my folks are retired.
I feel left out sometimes being single for the last three years, I want to have a family but finding the right girl has not happened yet, I am torn between wanting to have my folks at my wedding and maybe even have them baby sit and forcing myself to find the wrong person to spend my life with just to reach that goal.
I hope my dad is ok
I hate talking about myself
Usually when I do i find anything to slip past the situation
I have a troubled past amongst many others and more then three quarters of the worlds population
Mine consists of rape on numerous occasions that consisted of men and women, both old and young, by people I thought i could trust who had either sold me, used me, or gave me to someone else
Physical and emotional abuse from my peers and those elders we were taught to respect
Growing up i have met gay people, they were either disowned, beaten or killed. I don't really understand what it's like to remember the faces like many others do when they lose friends or family, for it didn't take long before even in my dreams, their faces became blurs, but the events still find it's way back into my mind.
I choose to care for those around me, not to be the kind soul or gental hearted person that wants to save the world. No i choose to care, because I can at least make someones life that much better just by smiling or doing a simple act of kindness. It isn't so hard, but it isn't done often enough.
I choose to put others before myself, because i have a habit of disreguarding myself and it is easier to focus on others problems then my own. I don't know how many times i had to take credit for a crime I never commited. I know i am going about it all wrong, but in the moment, even though your mind tells you to just tell the truth and all will be alright, maybe there will be a strain in trust or the relationship someway, somehow, my meart chooses to cover it up in hopes the person doesn't get upset with me and chooses to stay my friend. Sad because the reality of it just makes me a loser in many ways.
In Elementary school i was a bright kid, i could have accomplished so much, but i chose to dumb myself down in hopes of having the bullies back off and everyone else stop taking advantage of me. I guess i didn't realize until after i graduated high school and having helped so many others graduate and go to college that if i had focused on myself and just got my work done normally i could have actually gotten to a good college and escape these awful people that i would never have to see again.
I have a mother who cares and loves me with all her heart, but i can't give a single phone call once a day, instead it seems i can't wait for the conversation to end after three minutes and call once either once every couple of days and sometimes a week.
I have a father who doesn't need to be in my life, but tries. Our conversations consist of the "Hellos" and "How was your day" followed with a "be safe, I love you" short and not even a minute long. nothing straining the relationship just my own sense of time as though i have something better to do than talk to the man who has made an effort to be in my life.
I am married to a man I used to be unable to stand. Met in high school, became friends after my bestfriend had moved in with him. They hung out everywhere and a bit of envy set in for the one person keeping me sane in my life was taken from me, although it sounds silly, it is still how i felt. Now we are best of friends and married as equals, free to flirt and do what ever with whoever. It sounds like the perfect relationship, when it isn't a relationship at all. Who would have thought my first marriage was without the love you'd see in the movies, it is more a relationship of siblings than lovers. Sad really, it is the only relationship i've ever known other than being used as a sexual object for anyone to use, because maybe just maybe it's all i am actually good for.
What am i good at, i'm not sure, I really don't know, I am good at talking to people and making friends, actually holding the conversation or keeping interst i am not too good at and actually keeping a friendship that lasts more than a few days is close to impossible considering no one has "time" for anything. Work, school, volunteer, family, friends, etc. there is always something I have to do, although this truly is not the case, i just tend to find staring at the four walls of my bedroom more entertaining than attempting to embarress myself anymroe than i should.
I can't sleep at night, there are unwanted memories that like to slither their way into them. I am terrified to sleep. I barely take my small naps just so i don't have to dream. just darkness, somewhere i find comfort. unhealthy, but it's what gets me through each and every day i suppose.